Attachment and bonding in adoption

Here is a little something I sent to a friend asking about attachment and bonding and the differences between our experience as adoptive parents and a "typical" (if there even is such a thing) bio-parent. This followed a discussion about adoption disruptions and the challenges of integrating a second adopted child into the family, especially an older child.

When you adopt, you don't usually have the same attachment and bonding options as when you give birth to a child.  The things you, as a bio-mum, did in the first few months with your child (including breastfeeding-if you did- and things like holding your child, smiling at him, picking him up and soothing him when he cries, holding him close to you when he sleeps, etc) all create a feeling of safety for a child.  As adoptive parents to J, we were lucky that she was from a good orphanage and a great foster family, who helped her feel secure and loved.  It was very difficult for us when we received her, as she grieved her Foster family for a long time, but we used modified "attachment parenting" methods, with her and we were successful in securing a good, healthy bond (which is the parental feeling towards the child) and attachment (child’s feeling towards the parent).  

In many situations, especially in second (or subsequent)  adoptions, a child will not “fit in” with the family, which is often a sign of an absence of bonding or attachment.  The older the child, the more likely that is to happen.  When we did the adoption course (in another province), they had an amazing exercise where they told the story of a child (I seem to remember they called her Sally).  As they went along and told her story, they tied a string to Sally's wrist connecting her to all of the people to whom she had formed attachments in her life (bio parents, siblings, grandparents, foster parents 1, foster parents 2, foster parents 3, etc, foster siblings, parents new significant others, etc).  Every time she experienced a return to a situation (i.e. return to mother’s care) a sting was also tied to her wrist. And every time she had to leave these people, the string connecting her to each one was cut.  At the end of the story, Sally had upwards of 250 (the number 277 sticks in my head) strings around her wrists.  Those were the number of attachments that she had created with the 30 or so people who came and went in and out of her life, and which had been broken.  The question at the end of it was: if you had this many broken attachments, would you trust anyone who comes into your life? Would you trust that people adopting you were going to be there for you no matter what and stay in your life? Would you take the emotional risk of attaching to them?

On the other hand, bonding can be challenging in itself.  Some bio-parents feel it difficult to bond at first, but it tends to resolve itself quicker than for adoptive parents.  I remember my “Ah-ha!” bonding moment, and it was about 6 months after we came home from China.  J had attached and adjusted very well,  so we decided to finally let her cry herself to sleep (this was contrary to main stream opinions which advise not to let an adoptive child cry themselves to sleep).  This is always a tough decision, but we felt she was ready.  As I left her bedroom that night, she cried hysterically.  I left the room calmly, but broke down like a blubbering elephant outside her door (as most parents do).  Then I had my ah-ha moment.  The reason I was so upset was not because her crying drove me nuts (as it had for the previous several months).  It was because she needed me and I couldn’t be there for her.  My heart bled, and it took everything I had not to go back in there.  All worked out well, and it was the best thing we ever did, but I still remember that day, for so much more than just the fact that we have no sleep issues even today.

Attachment and bonding can be so scary.  I'm glad things went (extremely) well with J, but nothing says that if we adopt again, we would be as lucky.

15 signs you should start eating more "grown up" cereal

I did up this list a few years ago on Facebook, but every so often, I like to take it out, dust it off, and post it somewhere. Enjoy!



15 signs it's time to start eating more "grown up" cereal...


1. You start spelling Fruit with two o's.

2. Corn Pops are the least sugary cereal in your cupboard.

3. You're always disappointed when the milk makes your Frosted Flakes mushy, but you've discovered you can avoid that by eating them really, really fast.

4. You've convinced yourself that a bowl of Froot Loops or Fruity Pebbles counts as one Fruit according to the Canadian Food Guide.

5. You don't like Honey Nut Cheerios because they don't have enough sugar.

6. You get really excited at the Club Pack of mini cereal boxes (6 each of Rice Krispies, Corn Pops, Fruit Loops and Frosted Flakes) at Costco because there aren't any of the crappy kinds (surely, you can use the Rice Krispies in a recipe of some sort).

7. You're disappointed about buying the Club Pack of mini cereal boxes because they've changed the inside packaging and you can't use them as their own bowls anymore.

8. The leftover milk from the Froot Loops bowl is a delicacy (and you've even found an alcoholic beverage that replicates it). hahaha

9.You consider milkless Corn Pops to be a perfectly good evening snack.

10. You find there are never enough marshmellows in Lucky Charms.

11. You can still spend countless moments trying to spell your name with Alphabits, but are always disappointed at their lack of sweetness. And you now insist on spelling your first AND last names.

12. You consider Raisin Bran to be a "sugarless" option.

13. You think the "Life" cereal commercials are a sham and no kid in their right mind would ever choose those or Shreddies if given a proper range of options.

14. You're disappointed if you get to the bottom of the cereal box and there's no toy.

15. You are not fooled by the talking Mini-Wheat. You know it still tastes like cardboard.

Arthritis

I'm 38 years old.

By the time my mom was my age, she used a scooter regularly, and had very limited mobility.  She dreaded having to take medication for her arthritis because she knew there were risky side effects.  Eventually, she broke down and started on meds.  Within 5 years, she was gone.  Pulmonary Fibrosis, induced by the medication she took for her arthritis.

Mom's arthritis started when she was 29. So did mine.

I have always been very thankful that mine hadn't developed into anything more than the occasional 1 day flare up every few months.  That is, until about 3 months ago.

I woke up one morning and my tailbone hurt so much I could barely walk.  It hurt for three days, and then subsided.  About a week later, my knees started really hurting.  And it never stopped.

I have new pains every few days, but he old ones don't subside.  First it was the knees, then the ring finger on my left hand.  Then the wrists.  Then the toes.  Then the ring finger on the right hand.  Then the right shoulder.  Then the left thumb.

My daughter is afraid to touch me.  And when I hold her hand, and she squeezes it even ever so slightly, it hurts.  She tries to climb on me, and hurts my knees,  she tries to put something funny on my feet and they hurt.  She lies in my bed, and I can't snuggle because my shoulder hurts too much.

I drink a lot of water, but I can only drink it cold (I know, I know, room temperature water is better for you-but I won't get the benefit if it's not cold because I won't drink any at all!).  A few days ago, I hurt my hands twisting an ice cube tray.  Today, the button to my pants made my hands feel like they're on fire, and I couldn't do up my daughter's lunchbox zipper either.

The only way to make it all feel better is to move.  Walking helps my knees, playing with a stress ball helps my hands.  But if I do too much, I feel it twice as much the next day, and can't make it feel better (same thing happens if I didn't do enough the day before).  So I am learning where the balance lies.

This is all happening so fast.  I never imagined I would go from "zip, zip, zoom" one day (I've always been very active) to "Holy moly, how slow can I go?" in such a short time.

But I'm trying to keep an upbeat attitude.  I am strong, I am a good mother, and I am a wonderful wife.  My mom may not have had the ability to carry very much in her arms, but her shoulders were the widest I've ever seen.  Maybe God knew that I needed my physical strength for my daughter's first few years, so He delayed this as long as He could.  A good mom doesn't necessarily need to play tennis and volleyball with her children.  That's not what they'll remember.  They'll remember that their mom was there for them when they needed her.  They'll remember that she gave good advice, established appropriate boundaries, and allowed them (and motivated them) to be the best they could be.  Mine sure did. :-)

Japan and China in a nutshell...

Ok, So we get to Japan and China last November, and all my hopes of documenting our trip went out the window.

Let me just say this:  It was incredible. Seven months later and we are still talking about it regularly.  I was surprised at how much J was able to appreciate despite her tender age of 5.  Many times during our planning stages, I wondered if I was doing the right thing in taking this trip now.  I have no regrets whatsoever.  Mind you, J is very mature for her age and dealt with all challenges way better than I would have at her age.

J did experience jetlag in the form of a tantrum each day around supper time (both in China and back home). However, as long as I was able to get her to have a nap in the afternoon, she was ok. We did this by bringing the Kangaroo wrap everywhere we went (yes... my 5 year old still fit in a Kangaroo wrap, much to the excitement of the Chinese ladies who would stop and watch from the moment I took it out of the bag right up to the moment when my daughter was properly snuggled in).  This meant that J missed about 1 1/2 to 3 hours of every day's sightseeing.  Thankfully, I took pictures of EVERYTHING!  (Albeit, with my phone's camera, because J dropped my good camera on a marble bench on day 1 in Guangzhou, and it was beyond repair.)

We first traveled to J's birthplace (Guigang, in the Guangxi Independent Region, China) by train, and spent 2 wonderful days there.  Although we were not able to meet with the orphanage staff nor meet the foster family,(much to J's chagrin) we did end up seeing the outside and meeting one employee to whom we gave gifts for the staff and for the foster family.  We have no idea whether or not it ever got to them.

Interestingly, this trip has given J a whole new interest in learning Mandarin.  She has been attending Chinese School on Saturday mornings for 3 years, but now, she recognizes the importance of it, and she has decided she wishes to become fluent so that she may speak to her foster mummy when she meets her someday, and her tummy-mummy if we ever find out who she is (She understands that this is very unlikely, but also that it has happened for some adoptees in the past).

After we left Guigang, we returned to Guangzhou by train.  My BFF was teaching at Clifford School so she took us to school one day, for her students to meet us.  J seemed to really enjoy this and still refers to this as one of the highlights of the trip.  We spent most of our time in Guangzhou just mixing in with the locals.  We set off every morning by bus and subway, and roamed the city.  We ate street food, we haggled on every purchase, and bought and cooked foods that were foreign to us.  Apart from the fact that we stayed in a very nice condo-style apartment in a gated community, we felt we truly experienced what it would be like to live there.  Some aspects that we found disgusting on our last trip (i.e. kids using the sidewalks as bathrooms) actually made sense to us this time around (it was less gross that the squatter toilets you could smell from a mile away).  I never used a squatter toilet the first time we traveled. This time, I used plenty of them, with my first one being on the train (thankfully-it had a grab bar to hold on to).

We ate amazing food including things we had never tasted (lotus root soup and boiled frog) and J enjoyed her BBQ'd sardines on a stick :-)

We have managed to find a few favourites since we've been back (including an orange drink that I really liked and some Milk Tea like we had in Japan), but we continue to seek some other things (like the delicious egg tarts made in a puffed pastry shell, and steamed pork dumplings with sweet corn).

So all in all, the trip was an amazing success.  I reiterate that Japan Airlines is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!  Their staff was the most wonderful staff I have ever met.  Prior to the flight, they all gathered around the attendant's desk, welcoming passengers on board with a collective bow prior to them boarding the aircraft and starting our boarding.  I was over my carry-on allowance, but instead of telling me I had to check some of it, THEY HELPED ME CARRY AND STORE IT!  They were so attentive.  During the entire flights (even the 12 hour one), we were never more than 5 minutes without seeing an attendant as there was always one pacing in the aisles.  They refilled my water bottle with ice water too many times for me to count.   And on our flight back, when I was looking for something new for J to play with in the middle of the night with my bag near the emergency exit, one of the approached me (I thought she would tell me to move away from there, and in a way she did, but so delightfully) and she asked if I would like to come to the kitchen area where there was more light.  She closed the curtain so as not to disturb anyone with the light and then entertained J until I found what I was looking for.   Finally, they gave J a gift on every flight (a metal plane that she could assemble herself, sticker games, etc).  Oh wait-there's more!  The Food!  OMG, the food was incredible.  Smartly, I had ordered children's meals for J, so that we had more variety to choose from if there was something we didn't like.  Instead we liked EVERYTHING!  Especially the delicious Haagen-Dazs ice cream they provided on every flight!!!

So the trip was an incredible success.  I am ridiculously thankful to the benefactor who paid for this trip for us, without whom it never would have been able to happen.  We would go back in an instant, but can't afford it just yet.  Our next one is already in the planning stages, though, and should, hopefully, occur sometime between November 2015 and March 2016 (don't get excited, we're not adopting again).  Oh, happy day!

      

The 30 hour mark...

Anticipation is growing, as is the anxiety we both feel.  But we are determined to make this an amazing trip!

We've stumbled upon a few glitches, but I'm truly thankful to the people who are assisting us in China for what they have done to resolve said glitches.

The first was around the train tickets.  First, let's set the scene...  In 2009-2010, we hosted an exchange student from Hong Kong.  I consider her to be my second daughter.  All grown up now, she's the one who is there for me!  She and her mom have gone above and beyond to help us out.  Her mom booked the train tickets for us, taking her own time to go to the travel agent and negotiate the best tickets for us.  One of my concerns was that I really wanted us to be able to have the soft sleeper seats (the trip is 10 hours) and I wanted our tickets together (our exchange student is coming with us, as is my BFF).  If you buy 4 tickets, you can get them all together in the same room, provided there is room, and that's exactly what I wanted.  And that's what she got us.  Then she had to take more time, to go and book the return ticket (you can only book tickets 10 days ahead or later).  Our plan had been to travel during the day so that we could appreciate the scenery.  Unfortunately, the daytime train only has "hard seats", which would have been very uncomfortable for a 10 hour trip.  so we decided to take an earlier overnight train instead.  It's not exactly what we wanted, but in the end, I think it will be the most comfortable ride :-)

The other glitch is surrounding our visit with the orphanage staff.  We had originally planned to take the orphanage staff out for lunch, along with the family who acted as our daughter's foster family.  We had planned to retain a guide to help us navigate through all of this, but in our delay in retaining her services, someone else beat us to it and she will be elsewhere at the relevant time.  Disappointed, we resolved ourselves to the fact that we would be fine because we had our exchange student with us.  But then another friend also spoke up to help us, and we thought we'd be ok.  I wrote a letter to the orphanage and had it translated into Chinese.  Then I paid $70 to send it to the orphanage in China by courier so that I could track it.  This was a few months ago.  I did not hear from the orphanage, but was not overly worried as I knew that our friend would be checking in with them before our arrival, and I knew they had received our correspondence.

So our friend checked in with them...  And they advised him, less than a week before our intended arrival, that we would not be able to meet with them without formal permission form the government who completed the adoption.  My first reaction was to be upset.  We had already abandoned any expectation of visiting the orphanage as we had been told that this orphanage no longer allowed it.  So we were content to take the staff and foster family off site for a nice meal, so that we could chat and give them gifts.  I was upset at having to jump through hoops just to be nice to them.

But then I reminded myself that China does things differently than Canada does.  It is not up to me to judge how or why the Chinese Government does what it does.  It is, however, up to me to respect the laws and regulations they have put in to place.  And so I do.

We hope to be able to meet with the staff and foster family.  But if we cannot, we will be thankful to be in our daughter's birth city, even if only for a couple of days.  We will do the things her birthparents do, see the things they see, hear the things they hear and feel the things they feel.  We may ride a bus they've ridden before.  We may walk on the same stretch of road.  We may see the same signs, or shop in the same stores as them.  We'll never know.  But one thing is for sure, we will truly appreciate the moments we get to spend there, take ridiculous amounts of photos, and make this a trip to remember.

We are so thankful to the people who are gathering together to help us on this trip.  Maybe what goes around really does come around.  It's days like this, I'm glad I emit the most positive Karma I can.

We leave in 30 hours.  Hang on tight-it's gonna be a hell of a ride!!!

11 Days-How this differs from last time...

We leave for China in 11 days…

I remember last time we were 11 days from leaving for China, in 2008 when we traveled to adopt J.  We were excited but also anxious.  Just saying “we’re going to China” was so exciting.  We had packed and repacked, changed our minds a million times about bringing this, that or the other thing.  While the excitement continued to mount, the pressure did too.  Imagine the anxious days just before you became a parent-those days when you wonder if your child will be born healthy or not, how you’ll know what to do, how your life will change, who you’ll be able to call on for help, how you will learn aaaaaaaaaall the things you need to know how to do-change a diaper, feed your child, even how to hold him or her- and all the other questions new parents ask themselves.  Now combine that with the stress of having to be in a foreign country as you try to answer all of these questions.  Imagine if you’d had to leave for the hospital knowing that you have to have to have everything you “might” need in a suitcase that weighs less than 40 lbs.  And add to that the fact that your child could very well have eczema, diarrhea, lice, fever, be teething, not like to eat, not like to drink with the bottle(s) you've presented to him or her, be constipated, or a whole ton of other issues that you’ll have to resolve from the items you've brought.  Now up the ante-Imagine if everything you had to bring for you, your spouse and your new unknown child for 2 ½ weeks had to fit in 2 suitcases not exceeding 40 lbs each…

So THAT was stressful.

Now- how do I feel about our trip this time around?  Let’s see.  Firstly, I already know the awesome, amazing, thoughtful, kind, reasonable, sweet kid I’ll be traveling with (fully recognizing that my descriptions of her are likely to change a bit-or a lot-during this trip), and I also know her current excellent (knock on wood) health status.  I know how to deal with her basic needs, and I know what makes her tick (and ticked off! Ha!) and I can talk to her to prepare her for what is about to come.  So in terms of uncertainty, I can focus on the real uncertainties a trip of this kind exposes us to.  We know this will be a sensorial experience and a half!  The sounds, smells, images and physical sensations we will experience will be so very different than they are at home.  And isn’t that what makes a great trip?  

So all that to say that I’m excited about being 11 days away from our trip.  And while I recognize that it is likely to come with some pretty impressive challenges, this will definitely be a very different experience than last time.  I expect I’ll have to “think on my feet” a lot more in this trip, and address issues that are much more emotional in nature.  But in the grand scheme of things, that’s progress, isn't it?  The way I see it, it means that J’s basic needs are fully met.  Once you can stop worrying about basic needs and can move on to emotional fulfillment, you’re in good shape.    

I know there will likely be tired and hungry tantrums, emotionally overwhelmed meltdowns, and feelings of loss of control.  But there will also be, I hope, feeling of overwhelming joy, amazement and elation, as well as , if we’re lucky, one or two moments of feeling that we are exactly where we should be.  I still have the butterflies when I get to say “We’re going to China”.  So there are definitely some things that will be exactly like last time….  J

Japan Airlines is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

I found our flight in April, through the Kayak website, which directed us to book directly through Japan Airlines.  The price we got was amazing, about half what we would have paid on a good deal on another airline.  Our itinerary takes us through Chicago and Narita, on the way to Guangzhou, with lengthy layovers 19 and 15 hours) in Narita, which we are considering as an important part of the overall experience.

A month or two after I booked, I decided that we would be better off traveling later in the year, for a few reasons, including the weather in China, and working in a statutory holiday to extend our trip by a day.  I contacted Japan Airlines by email, and was assisted by a lady named "Barbara", who was amazingly helpful and efficient.  I was so pleased with the service I received at the time and right away, I felt that this was going to be a great trip.

I have been doing a lot of research on the Japan part of this trip, and had booked hotels in Narita for our layovers (traveling with a 5 year old for 40 hours, I can see us REALLY looking forward to being horizontal).  One of the websites I stumbled on in my research said that if you have a layover in Narita, you should check if your airline offers complimentary accommodations.  So I did a bit more research and saw that in rare circumstances, Japan Airlines provides complimentary hotel accommodations if you have an overnight layover, but it was not a common occurrence.  So I thought-let's see what happens if I email them and ask.  So I did.

Within 24 hours, I had an email back from them, this time, from a lady named "Samalyna", confirming that she had booked us into their private airport hotel, including a free shuttle between the hotel and the airport!  All for FREE!!!!  See?  Sometimes all you need to do is ask!!!  This was not in the fine print anywhere, nor was it indicated on my ticket or their website.  Which is smart, really.  But I want to shout it out on the roof tops, because I seriously am amazed with how awesome Japan Airlines has been to deal with!

I must admit, I am a bit worried about the flight.  Being a bit on the chunky side, and knowing the seats on JAL are a bit narrower than what I am used to, I am concerned that I may be VERY uncomfortable during this long flight. I am also worried as I have heard that they maintain their planes at a very warm temperature (and I am always hot on a good day!). I wish we could afford to upgrade to Premium Economy (or even 1st class!  Wouldn't THAT be a dream come true!) but I can honestly say that the goodwill they've shown so far is putting me in a very positive receptive mood going into this.  I have also heard their flight attendants are some of the greatest in the world and that their in-flight customer service is incredible.  We are pretty easy travelers to accommodate (we are always polite, respectful, kind and appreciative) so we hope that we will be able to make them as happy to serve us as they will  make (and have made) us.

Thankfully, J is a really great traveler.  She is a really easy going kid, and as long as she eats (but limited sugar) and sleeps, she is perfect to deal with.  Thankfully, she sleeps anywhere and eats easily if I plan her snacks well.

I had also sent some other questions to JAL at the same time as the hotel enquiry, with regards to where to check in (our 1st leg is on a partner airline) and whether our luggage can be checked right through to Guangzhou or if we had to collect them in Narita.  She answered everything fully and clearly.  I can't imagine interacting the way I have with JAL with any other airline.  But maybe I'm just used to the service we get with Air Canada (I never complain, as that's not my style, but when you have something to compare to, you appreciate amazing service so much more).

So thank you Japan Airlines.  I hope our flight will be as impressive as your service has been so far.  I really expect it will be, because you have shown yourself to be an airline which prides itself in delivering outstanding customer service.  Bravo, well done!

I will blog about the flight as soon as I can, to let the internet world know if Japan Airlines are as amazing in flight as they are online.

So seriously-if you are looking to travel anywhere in Asia, check out Japan Airlines.  They DESERVE your business.  How often can you say that?

Three weeks from tomorrow.....  :-)

UPDATE: In case you'd like to know how it felt to actually travel with Japan Airlines, see this post.  Here is the excerpt from it relating to JAL:

"So all in all, the trip was an amazing success.  I reiterate that Japan Airlines is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!  Their staff was the most wonderful staff I have ever met.  Prior to the flight, they all gathered around the attendant's desk, welcoming passengers on board with a collective bow prior to them boarding the aircraft and starting our boarding.  I was over my carry-on allowance, but instead of telling me I had to check some of it, THEY HELPED ME CARRY AND STORE IT!  They were so attentive.  During the entire flights (even the 12 hour one), we were never more than 5 minutes without seeing an attendant as there was always one pacing in the aisles.  They refilled my water bottle with ice water too many times for me to count.   And on our flight back, when I was looking for something new for J to play with in the middle of the night with my bag near the emergency exit, one of the approached me (I thought she would tell me to move away from there, and in a way she did, but so delightfully) and she asked if I would like to come to the kitchen area where there was more light.  She closed the curtain so as not to disturb anyone with the light and then entertained J until I found what I was looking for.   Finally, they gave J a gift on every flight (a metal plane that she could assemble herself, sticker games, etc).  Oh wait-there's more!  The Food!  OMG, the food was incredible.  Smartly, I had ordered children's meals for J, so that we had more variety to choose from if there was something we didn't like.  Instead we liked EVERYTHING!  Especially the delicious Haagen-Dazs ice cream they provided on every flight!!!"

I should also mention that although I couldn't check my bags all the way (as a result of the Narita-Guangzhou portion being more than 24 hours from my check-in time), when I got to Narita, a JALemployee helped me get my bags, went to get the appropriate tags and retagged them before I left he airport for Tokyo, so that I wouldn't have to carry them around during my 19 hours in Tokyo.  She was so nice and friendly.  And on the way back, in Chicago, another JAL employee helped me with my bags again, even helping me go through the items I had bought at the airport in Tokyo as I needed to go though security again.  He helped me put my liquids and utensils in my luggage before taking my luggage over to the luggage cart so that I didn't have to walk all the way over with J and all of our carry-ons and he helped me figure out where I needed to go. They were absolutely incredible.  JAL rocks!!!!